When You Kouz, You Lose

How overmatched is Kevin Kouzmanoff?
His final at-bat Sunday tells it all. On his game-ending strikeout in the 17th inning, Kouz actually managed to strike out twice.
On the next-to-last pitch Kouz saw, Dodger right-hander Chad Billingsley put one right down the middle. Kouz buckled and plate umpire Jeff Nelson flinched and did everything but raise his right arm. Kouz and the Padres momentarily had new life.
But all it did was delay the inevitable. On the next pitch, Kouz whiffed at a high hard one from Billingsley, stranding the tying run at second.
Dodgers 5, Padres 4, as the 17-inning, 4-hour, 55-minute game was the longest in Petco Park's four-year history.
Kouz went 0-for-4 Sunday with two more strikeouts, dropping his batting average to .119.
How ugly are the rookie third baseman's numbers?
He has a grand total of 8 hits in 67 at-bats. His on-base percentage is .181. He has 1 home run and 4 RBIs. He has struck out 21 times.
With the month of April just about over and with 8 hits under his belt, that puts Kouz on a pace to finish the season with a whopping 50 hits.
Spectacular.
Send your cards and letters to Padres general manager Kevin Towers, who answers to the colorful nickname "KT."
Great work, KT.

The Minor-League Town Poll

Who will be the first of the Chargers' new draft picks to run into trouble with the law?
	Craig Davis, WR, LSU
	Eric Weddle, DB, Utah
	Anthony Waters, LB, Clemson
Free polls from Pollhost.com

Brad Holland: Unemployable?

Some news coming out of the Inland Empire today, as UC Riverside reportedly will introduce former Kansas State coach Jim Wooldridge as the Highlanders' new basketball coach.
That's bad news for former USD coach Brad Holland, who's still looking for work.
Or depending on how you look at it, maybe it's good news for Bradley. It is, after all, UC Riverside.
We never really could picture Bradley slummin' it in the 951.
But oh, how the mighty have fallen. A few years ago, Bradley thought he was going to be a candidate for the job at his beloved UCLA. And here we are today, and the guy can't even get hired at UC Freakin' Riverside.
You've got to wonder what kind of job, if any, Bradley can get at this point. Is his dirty past with the NCAA a factor?
Thanks to NFL Adam for bringing Bradley's NCAA rap sheet to our attention.
After looking at that, hmm, it might be time for Bradley to start thinking about another line of work.

Trevor Time

Our guy Jake Peavy had a game to remember Wednesday night, but thanks to Trevor Hoffman, it's just another Padres loss.

Aging With Dignity?

In case you haven't noticed, the Padres aren't getting much from their two senior citizens in the starting rotation, Greg Maddux and David Wells.
Maddux has looked very ordinary this season, including Sunday's 4-2 loss to the Rockies in Colorado. However, Maddux (pictured at left) did work a long -- for him -- seven-inning stint Sunday. No word on whether he'll have to skip a start due to fatigue and overall drowsiness.
What this means is that, with the season nearly a month old, Maddux (1-2) and Wells (0-1) have combined for a grand total of one victory.
Not exactly what general manager Kevin Towers, who answers to the colorful nickname "KT," had in mind when he brought the old fogies in this year. Way to go, KT.
But hey, at least the two old farts are a good influence in the clubhouse.

CUL8R

Big news to report, as we learn that Jake Peavy and Cubs catcher Michael Barrett reportedly exchange text messages [last item of article].
We've got our fingers crossed that they can get hot dates for the prom.

Doug Eddings, Comic Thief

This just in ... umpire Doug Eddings is stealing our act.
As you know, making fun of David Wells' immense girth is one of our favorite pastimes here at MLT, and apparently, Eddings is a devoted reader.
During the Padres' 5-2, 12-inning loss to the Diamondbacks on Wednesday night, Eddings morphed from bad ump into hack comic.
According to Wells, Eddings gestured in the direction of the Fat Man in the dugout by rubbing his belly, as if to say, "You're fat."
And since Paul McAnulty was no longer in the dugout, we can presume Eddings wasn't directing his mime comedy routine toward the hefty youngster.
For what it's worth, Eddings denies making any such gesture, but regardless, the incident made our day.
And for those of you scoring at home ... since Kevin Towers, who answers to the colorful nickname "KT," acquired the Fat Man last Aug. 31 in a trade with the Red Sox for highly touted catcher George Kottaras, old tubby still has exactly one win.
Another brilliant move, KT.

Would You Like More Dessert, Ms. O'Donnell?

We've been ignoring it for too long, but it's time to point out the humongous: Chris Young has a rear end the size of South Dakota.
There, we said it.
Somebody had to.
The Padres right-hander clearly is not in as good a shape as he was last season, and just maybe his added poundage was a factor in his nightmare of a two-inning-plus outing Sunday night in the Padres' 9-3 loss to the Dodgers as ESPN's Sunday Night Baseball celebrated Jackie Robinson Day.
Young allowed five runs -- all earned -- on seven hits, five walks in an 84-pitch debacle. His two-inning night was Young's shortest stint since becoming a Padre.
During Charger season, we had some fun referring to Antonio Gates as "Oprah" because of his big behind, so it's only fair we do likewise with Chris Young.
From here on out, Chris Young is now Rosie O'Donnell, as far as we're concerned.
On Sunday night against the Dodgers, Rosie was laboring from the start and looked gassed before the first inning was over. The second inning was no better, and the big right-hander couldn't record an out in the third inning.
And all the while, Rosie was having a ridiculously hard time holding runners on base. Thanks to Rosie's high leg kick (now there's an image you won't be able to get out of your mind) and halting, hesitating delivery to the plate, the Dodgers had five stolen bases Sunday -- the most they've had in eight years.
Way to go, Ro.

The Fat Man Loseth

Nice game, old tubby.

Peavy-Duncan II?

We all remember where we were when the truly momentous events occurred. The Kennedy assassination. Neil Armstrong becomes the first man to walk on the moon. The death of Anna Nicole Smith ...
And, of course, the Jake Peavy-Mariano Duncan shouting match.
It was during the heat of the pennant race last September at Dodger Stadium, when Jake the Fake went nuts and inexplicably turned his attention to the first base coach of the Dodgers. That was the night the Dodgers staged a big comeback for an 11-10 win and it was a signature game in what turned out to be an 11-14 season for Jake the Fake.
Not only did Peavy shout and gesture at Duncan but after the game, when explaining the incident to reporters, Jake the Fake apparently mimicked Duncan's Dominican accent and challenged him to come to San Diego Fight Club to "settle it there."
Hmm, if Peavy were a radio-TV talk show host, a racist bit like that might have gotten him in hot water. But since San Diego is a sleepy town, nothing was ever made of Jake the Fake's offensive caricature of Duncan.
Now it's a new season and we can't wait to see another possible Peavy-Duncan encounter as the Padres return to the scene of the brouhaha for a weekend series that starts Friday. Jake the Fake is scheduled to pitch Saturday's game.
We don't care how many hits Adrian Gonzalez has this weekend; we don't care how many RBIs Nomar Garciaparra gets; we just want to see Jake the Fake and Mariano Duncan go at it again.
Baseball is only interesting when the benches clear.

Act Like You've Been There Before

The Padres' past two games were walk-off wins over the Colorado Rockies on Saturday and Sunday.
Walkoff wins that were celebrated as if they were in Games 5 and 6 of the World Series -- rather than Games 5 and 6 in April.
We know the Padres aren't alone in this, but when exactly did it become standard operating procedure to go nuts after every walk-off win?
You know, they're not all the same.
Aside from the fact that the season ain't even a week old yet, each walk-off win has different circumstances. Is it really that big a deal to get a walk-off win in a game in which you trailed by no more than one run at any time?
Of course, some circumstances do warrant a wild celebration. If you're trailing 7-2 going to the bottom of the ninth inning and awake from the dead and put up a six spot, well then sure, knock yourselves out. Go nuts.
But neither Saturday's nor Sunday's win was anything close to that.
The Padres have a habit of celebrating every freaking walk-off win as if they're all the same. You know the drill: They all gather around and mob the guy who got the winning hit (or the guy who scored the winning run), and they all bob up and down as if they're on a pogo stick, and they all pat the hero on the head and mess up his hair (if he has any).
So who do we blame for all this?
Well, ESPN would be a good place to start. We can remember -- not that long ago -- when a garden-variety walk-off win was celebrated with merely a few handshakes and high-fives, and that's it. But these days, everybody is auditioning to get airtime on "SportsCenter," so they have to act as wild as they can.
Maybe the Padres can learn a few things from a guy in town who knows what to do -- and what not to do -- on the field.
When LaDainian Tomlinson scores a touchdown, you won't find him doing anything stupid or embarrassing. LT just calmly flips the ball to the ref. You would think baseball players -- who play 162 freaking games a season -- would have a little more perspective.
How many months until football season starts?

The Bud Black Quote That Even He Doesn't Believe

"I don't think he's overly pressing."

-- Bud Black, on Kevin Kouzmanoff, who was 2-for-20 (.100) with 6 strikeouts before his game-winning grounder through a drawn-in infield Sunday

Bring on the '27 Yankees

Anyone who follows baseball knows that a win on opening day is worth more than one game in the standings.
Sure it is.
Why else would everyone make such a big deal about opening day?
And after the way the Padres looked in their 7-0 victory over the Giants in Tuesday's opener at San Francisco, we can come to only one conclusion -- the division race is over.
You better get out to a game soon because the Padres will clinch the NL West by Easter Sunday.
Of course, it didn't hurt that the Giants looked as if they'd rather be making reservations for tee times in Scottsdale.
On the Padres' pregame show on Channel 4 San Diego, John Weisbarth made the observation that "Opening day seems like Christmas morning."
Consider Tuesday's win a gift-wrapped present under the tree, courtesy of the San Francisco Giants. We can't recall a team looking this lethargic on opening day since ... uh, well ... Monday's opening day performance by the Dodgers.
Since the game was so spring training-like dull, we have to turn to the telecast for some fun. We enjoyed seeing announcers Matt Vasgersian and Mark Grant all buttoned up, wearing suits and ties. It was quite a jarring sight at first. Matty and Mud, who normally are casually attired, looked like their mothers dressed them for their first junior high dance.
Vasgersian got our attention early on, when he called Jake Peavy "the jewel of the pitching staff."
We were only sort of paying attention, but hearing the word Jewel perked us up a bit.
And we can't let Peavy go unnoticed. Jake the Fake dismissed the Giants, as if they were a Mobile, Ala., airport security guard.
Clearly, Peavy will not lose a game this season. He will go 32-0.
But in the event he does lose a game, we'll be here to chronicle it.

WE HAVE A WINNER -- Congratulations to reader Jimmy in El Cajon for winning our popular Guess the Innings Contest. Jimmy correctly guessed the Padres would play nine innings Tuesday. Way to go, Jimmy! For those of you who guessed wrong, better luck next time! Jimmy wins a free Ducksnorts T-shirt for his efforts. To claim your prize, contact Geoff at Ducksnorts.com.

Jake and the Fat Man Revisited

We're faced with a bit of a dilemma here at Minor-League Town. Mrs. MLT has asked us to be nicer to Jake Peavy and David Wells this season.
It seems that Jake the Fake is MLT Jr.'s favorite Padre, and the Fat Man is Mrs. MLT's favorite Padre. And what does that say about her taste in men?
Mrs. MLT also pointed out that the Fat Man now has diabetes, saying he should be off limits.
Those of you who have been reading Minor-League Town since the beginning -- all six of you -- know that we've had a lot of fun at the expense of Jake and the Fat Man. There was this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one, this one and this one, oh, and don't forget this one.
Dilemma, schmilemma ... we'll uproot the family and move to Phoenix before we'll give up our Jake and the Fat Man fun.