The Fat Man Winneth

On the final day of September, Mr. September finally managed to belch up a victory, and the Padres clinched a playoff berth with a 3-1 win over the Diamondbacks on Saturday.
It had been an interesting month for David Wells. And by interesting, we mean winless. After the much-ballyhooed trade with the Red Sox, the Point Loma High grad had failed to win a game -- until Saturday.
Yet, with the season on the line, old tubby showed he does have some life left in that flabby left arm of his after all.
We're just glad Saturday's playoff-clincher was televised by Fox rather than Cox Channel 4. If Channel 4 had aired Saturday's festivities, we would've been bombarded with their endless deluge of fan reaction shots. Yo, Channel 4, we know Padre fans made the trip to Arizona. We get it. But we don't need to see a shot of a Padre fan after every freakin' pitch. Crowd shots should be used sparingly and judiciously, unless they involve a couple of hot lesbians in the upper deck.
While things are all warm and fuzzy in Padreland now, there were moments earlier Saturday when it appeared it all might be unraveling. The night before, the Padres' offense looked lethargic in a 3-1 loss to Arizona's Livan Hernandez, who has a 48-mph fastball and is the only major leaguer that is so immense he makes David Wells look like Mischa Barton. And through the first few innings Saturday, the Padres' offense again was doing nothing; then Dave Roberts had a home run taken away on a great catch by Arizona right fielder Carlos Quentin, a USDHS product. And Padres fans everywhere had to be thinking, "That can't be a good sign."
And around that moment, as we also noticed the Dodgers were winning in San Francisco, we started to get an itchy trigger finger to grab this image for possible use here. But it looks like we won't be needing it now. Unless the team does something really embarrassing in the playoffs.
So, as the Padres doused each other with champagne and no doubt partied into the night and early morning hours and celebrated by consuming supersize portions of food and alcohol, this means only one thing: We have to revise a previous stat.
When the playoffs begin next week, Wells now is expected to tip the scales at 726 pounds.