The Fat Man Winneth

On the final day of September, Mr. September finally managed to belch up a victory, and the Padres clinched a playoff berth with a 3-1 win over the Diamondbacks on Saturday.
It had been an interesting month for David Wells. And by interesting, we mean winless. After the much-ballyhooed trade with the Red Sox, the Point Loma High grad had failed to win a game -- until Saturday.
Yet, with the season on the line, old tubby showed he does have some life left in that flabby left arm of his after all.
We're just glad Saturday's playoff-clincher was televised by Fox rather than Cox Channel 4. If Channel 4 had aired Saturday's festivities, we would've been bombarded with their endless deluge of fan reaction shots. Yo, Channel 4, we know Padre fans made the trip to Arizona. We get it. But we don't need to see a shot of a Padre fan after every freakin' pitch. Crowd shots should be used sparingly and judiciously, unless they involve a couple of hot lesbians in the upper deck.
While things are all warm and fuzzy in Padreland now, there were moments earlier Saturday when it appeared it all might be unraveling. The night before, the Padres' offense looked lethargic in a 3-1 loss to Arizona's Livan Hernandez, who has a 48-mph fastball and is the only major leaguer that is so immense he makes David Wells look like Mischa Barton. And through the first few innings Saturday, the Padres' offense again was doing nothing; then Dave Roberts had a home run taken away on a great catch by Arizona right fielder Carlos Quentin, a USDHS product. And Padres fans everywhere had to be thinking, "That can't be a good sign."
And around that moment, as we also noticed the Dodgers were winning in San Francisco, we started to get an itchy trigger finger to grab this image for possible use here. But it looks like we won't be needing it now. Unless the team does something really embarrassing in the playoffs.
So, as the Padres doused each other with champagne and no doubt partied into the night and early morning hours and celebrated by consuming supersize portions of food and alcohol, this means only one thing: We have to revise a previous stat.
When the playoffs begin next week, Wells now is expected to tip the scales at 726 pounds.

Snoogans

As if things weren't bad enough for Chargers safety Terrence Kiel, his legal problems appear to be getting even more troublesome.
According to sources in the Drug Enforcement Administration, Kiel's cell phone records allegedly contain numerous calls from a pair of fictional admitted drug dealers.
No word yet on Kiel's future playing status with the team, but he might be playing a key role somewhere else.
And regardless of what happens with Kiel's legal case or with the rest of his career, he'll now always be remembered for introducing the words "codeine-based cough syrup" into the national sports lexicon.

Two in a Row for Jake the Fake

The Padres inched closer to the playoffs Thursday night as Jake Peavy won his second straight start, meaning the alleged ace of the staff is now only three games under .500 (11-14).
But that's not the two-game streak we're talking about.
Somehow, Jake the Fake managed to go his second consecutive game without challenging the opposing team's first base coach to meet him at San Diego Fight Club.
We know it must have been extremely difficult for Jake to control his thug-like tendencies for two straight games. But we must give credit where credit is due; nice going, Jake.
It must be comforting for Chargers general manager A.J. Smith to know that if he keeps losing players to the police blotter, there's a strong-armed guy in town who would fit right in with the tough guys at Chargers Park.

More Fun with KT Pics

It seems there's no end to the fun pics of Padres general manager Kevin Towers, who answers to the colorful nickname "KT."
Makes us wonder what else is out there of our favorite GM that we haven't found yet.
When we found this latest pic, we had three different thoughts come to mind:

• When did Haley Joel Osment become a Padres scribe?
• The Peter Graves "Captain Oveur" character from "Airplane!": "Joey, do you like movies about gladiators?" We're not implying anything here; we just wanted to give a shout out to Peter Graves, an underrated thespian over the years.
  
• Is that a martini logo on KT's shirt? Nice. We would speculate that KT borrowed the shirt from David Wells, but the size of the shirt doesn't appear to be XXXXXXXL.
  

The Minor-League Town Poll

San Diego State has started the football season 0-3. Are you surprised?
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	San Diego State has a football team?
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"Here's What We Know ..."

The Terrell Owens "attempted suicide" story brings to mind one of our favorite aspects of television reporting.
We love it whenever a breathless TV anchorperson prefaces a report by saying, "Here's what we know ..."
That's code for: "We don't know much, but we're going to continue to speculate ..."

That's the Fact, Jack

As if David Wells wasn't large enough already, we now learn he suddenly just got even bigger.
The supersize lefty was forced to miss his scheduled start in St. Louis on Monday night because of a swollen big toe on his right foot from a case of gout.
And we all know that a platoon without its leader is like a foot without its big toe. Miraculously, the Padres, just like Winger and Ziskey and Ox, were able to get by without their Sgt. Hulka.
But considering Mr. September is winless in September, maybe it was a good time to come down with gout.
The good news for Wells is that he should be able to make his next scheduled start. The really good news for old tubby is that, unlike some athletes' injuries, Wells will be able to resume his normal diet in no time. Which means, solid foods and plenty of them.
With less than a week remaining in the regular season and with his physical activity limited for the next few days, Wells is expected to tip the scales at over 700 pounds when the playoffs begin.

Barometric Pressure Rising

While looking for pics of our favorite general manager, we stumbled onto this gem of Padres boss Kevin Towers and Fox 6 weather babe Chrissy Russo (no relation to Blossom Russo).
In legal circles, there's a Latin term that comes to mind here. Quid pro quo -- the thing speaks for itself. We're tempted to go that route, but ...
This pic is too much fun to let it slip by with no comment. By the way, Towers, who answers to the colorful nickname "KT," is the chunky, sweaty one on the left with the slightly smaller boobs.
We can only imagine if this were, say, New York and a pic like this surfaced, featuring the GM of a local team.
The tabloids would be wetting themselves (well, those in charge of the tabloids would be wetting themselves) with the headline possibilities ...

• BEAUTY AND THE PRIEST (PADRE)
  
• HEAT ADVISORY
• BODY HEAT
  
• PARTLY CLOUDY WITH A CHANCE OF TOWERS
• DOPPLER? I DON'T EVEN KNOW HER
• SQUEEZE PLAY
  
• HEY, BABY
• AND A SWING AND A MISS
  

We're not implying anything inappropriate went on with this pic, and we're not implying anything inappropriate didn't go on. It's just too much fun to ignore.

Hey, Flan!

Some baseball announcers are blessed with a great voice for radio. They're such a joy to listen to, it almost doesn't matter whether the game is televised or not. With their great voices, their command of the language and their use of descriptive phrases, just listening to them call a game is a delight.
And then there's Tim Flannery.
Good God, who decided Flan was capable of being an announcer for a Major League Baseball team?
Flan should never be allowed anywhere near a play-by-play microphone, unless his broadcast partner is incapacitated with laryngitis. And even then, only if it's a severe case of laryngitis.
You know that guy who works at the DMV counter, the guy who says "Next," with the voice inflection of a man in a two-year coma? That guy has a better voice for radio than Tim Flannery.
You know that guy standing behind you in the DMV line for the past 72 hours, the guy who looks like he was just profiled on "America's Most Wanted"? That guy has a better voice for radio than Tim Flannery.
We used to think Jerry Coleman was pretty bad, as announcers go. But since Coleman is a War Hero and what with the Patriot Act and all, we don't want to get thrown in some secret CIA prison. So we won't say Coleman is a bad announcer. We will say this: Compared to Flannery, Coleman is Mel Freakin' Allen.
But why stop here? If the Padres want to form the worst radio team anywhere, they might as well rehire Rick Monday and team him up with Flan. We can just imagine all the people driving off freeway overpasses as they mutter to themselves and strain to try to figure out, "What the hell did he say just happened on that play?"

The Greatness of the Raiduhs

Since there are so many Raiduh fans in San Diego, let's appeal to the masses. Let's talk Raiduh football.
It's not so much that they're 0-2 as it is how they've looked in going 0-2.
Have you ever seen two more listless, disinterested, uninspired performances than what the Raiduhs provided their loyal fans in losing to the Chargers and Ravens by a combined score of 55-6?
The Raiduhs players looked like they couldn't care less. If they were making any effort to win the first two games, there was little to no evidence of that.
Which makes us wonder: If a college team turned in an effort-lacking performance such as the Raiduhs' stinkers, people would start whispering about a possible point-shaving scandal. And the wise guys in Vegas would start making phone calls. Next thing you know, somebody's got busted kneecaps, and a few years later it turns into a cheesy TV movie on FX.
But this is pro football, where the players all make good money. Yet, the Raiduhs' effort in Weeks 1 and 2 makes you wonder what's going on in the players' heads.
And an indication of just how bad things are in Raiduhland: They brought in quarterback Tommy "And It's Intercepted!" Maddox this past week for a tryout. Yeah, he'll solve everything.

Bye Now

Minor-League Town Stat o' the Day:

Number of Charger fans who today will
utter the words, "Dude, how come there's
no Charger game on today?" ...

12,789

Saved by the Bells

Trevor Hoffman tied Lee Smith for the all-time saves record Saturday, but the real NEWS BULLETIN was Jake Peavy climbed to within four games of .500. An admirable accomplishment for the alleged ace of the Padres staff.
Even more stunning was that Jake the Fake (10-14) managed to go the whole night without challenging the opposing team's first base coach to meet him at San Diego Fight Club.
But back to Hoffman. You'll have to excuse sports fans across the country if they're scratching their heads, trying to figure out how this guy became the all-time saves co-leader. Hoffman has to be the most obscure, unknown star in baseball. Part of it is his low-key personality. But a big part of it is that the guy does most of his work in the wee hours of the morning (Eastern time) -- and you thought you were the only ones who occasionally slept through a Padres game.
Many fans across the country right now are asking, "Is this the same guy who gets lit up whenever he's in an All-Star Game or postseason game?"

That is so money

The "crowds" at Petco Park for the just-completed Diamondbacks series seemed oh, I don't know, small.
With less than two weeks left in the season, every game could be called oh, I don't know, important. But the attendance was in no way indicative of a pennant race.
Maybe it's because it costs a fortune to attend a game at Petco Park. Throw in the exorbitant cost of parking near the ballpark and you might have just blown a week's salary.
We recently attended a game with Mrs. Minor-League Town and MLT Jr., and we're still trying to recover from the economic setback. Financial counseling might be in order.
Memo to Padres brass: The novelty of the new ballpark wore off way back in mid-2004; you might want to restructure your ticket pricing.
Otherwise, Petco Park will continue to have more of an exclusive country club feel to it, and only residents of La Jolla, Rancho Santa Fe and Fairbanks Ranch will be able to afford the luxury of attending a game.

Jake and the Fat Man

Minor-League Town Stat o' the Day:

Number of combined wins for Jake Peavy
and David Wells in September:

2

Mr. September

When the Padres acquired super-size lefty David Wells from the Red Sox in exchange for promising minor-league catcher George Kottaras, the conventional wisdom was that the Padres had pretty much punched their postseason ticket.
Wells is Mr. September, you know. At least that what the media kept reminding us.
As for the departed Kottaras, no need to worry that he'll become a future All-Star or anything. We all know Kevin Towers never makes a bad trade.
Yet, even if Kottaras amounts to nothing, what exactly has San Diego received in exchange for the talented catcher, other than increased clubhouse catering expenses?
Since Wells arrived back in his hometown, the Point Loma High product is winless. That's right, Big D has as many wins this September as Don Drysdale.
The common theme that emerged around the time of the trade was that Wells would produce automatic wins every time he walked to the mound. Perhaps Wells, who's tipping the scales at a taco shy of 680 pounds, never got the memo. Or maybe he ate it.
Yo, Tubby, do you have even one win left in that flabby left arm of yours?

Cox R Us

Matt Vasgersian and Mark Grant aren't the best baseball announcing team in the world, and they're not the worst. But give them credit. They are the most annoying.
When Vasgersian says something mildly amusing, why must Grant giggle like a teenage girl?
Albeit a bald, fat teenage girl.
Meanwhile, it seems Vasgersian's nutty sidekicks aren't limited to the Cox Channel 4 Padres booth. While working NFL games for Fox, Matty has been teamed up with another local guy, former El Camino High star J.C. Pearson, who made some jaws drop with his work on Sunday.

Honolulu, here we come!

After everything we've read and heard in "America's Finest City" the past couple weeks, one thing is clear: The Chargers are the greatest thing since chili fries.
The only remaining question about this team is, which downtown streets are we gonna need to block off for the Super Bowl victory parade on Tuesday, Feb. 6?
Surely, the boys in Canton must be busy carving a bust of Philip Rivers by now, right?
Since it's clear the Chargers will win every remaining game and storm through the playoffs and win the Super Bowl, why bother playing the rest of the season? Can't we just skip it and send the entire roster off to Hawaii to begin preparations for the Pro Bowl?
With all this Chargers hype, it seems the Pro Bowl will be the only game left this season with any suspense.
If KFMB/Channel 8 sports anchor Kyle Kraska believes the Chargers are for real, that's good enough for us. It's not like Channel 8 and the Chargers are in bed together or anything.
But are Kraska's thoughts on sports any more relevant than those of his hair & makeup person?

The Minor-League Town Poll

If his team loses again Saturday, the Fire Chuck Long talk should begin
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	As long as the scantily clad coeds show up at games, all is good, dude
	Chuck who?
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E-KT

Why on earth is Padres general manager Kevin Towers starting a public spat with Doug Mirabelli?
When Mirabelli heard about it, he accused Towers of character assassination.
When you're the GM of a team fighting for a pennant, why are you wasting time openly talking about a .180-hitting backup catcher who left your team five months ago?
With all that's going on right now, what is Towers thinking? But who are we to second-guess Towers, who answers to the colorful nickname "KT."
KT must know what he's doing, right? After all, the guy was smart enough to go to MiraCosta College.

Jake the Fake

Jake Peavy's shouting match with Dodgers first base coach Mariano Duncan nearly got lost amid the historic finish of the Padres' 11-10 Heimlich special Monday night.
But we didn't forget about it here at Minor-League Town.
As Peavy walked off the mound at the end of the first inning, Duncan told Peavy, "We're gonna get your (expletive), you stupid cocky (expletive)." Peavy turned back toward Duncan and acted like a tough guy, but he made sure he stalled long enough to allow teammate Russell Branyan to restrain him.
Later, Peavy told the San Diego Union-Tribune -- while apparently mimicking Duncan's Dominican accent -- that he didn't know who Duncan was. And since he's from Alabama, we're guessing there are a lot of things Peavy doesn't know.
But when you're the alleged ace of your pitching staff and your record is 9-14, you've got more important things to worry about than the identity of the guy munching sunflower seeds in the first base coaching box